- Who Cracked My Crystal Ball?
Predictons for the new year as foretold over a beer and Polish sausage sandwich - When Great Minds Meet
When the richest man in America meets the world's greatest Elvis impersonator, you know only good things could come of it. Could 'Don't Be Cruel' really become Microsoft's new theme song? - What's my mama gonna say?
I know you're going to find this hard to believe, but I, Tim Knox, am a sexist pig. Sorry, mama. I had no idea. - Thingamabobs And Whatchamadigits
My daughter cornered me the other night, wanting to know about the birds and bees. Actually, she wanted to know what "sectional misconduct" was. - The Unsinkable Tim Knox
I call them 'Ti-taniacs.' They look perfectly normal at first, but eventually they will ask, 'Have you seen 'Titanic' yet? That's when their dimentia rolls to the surface and the all-out assault begins - The Tax Man Cometh
Someone once said the only things in life that are certain are death and taxes I think the only difference between the two is that death claims you just once, but taxes can kill you every year. - The Tanya Factor
Is it me or are the '98 Winter Olympics about as exciting as watching old people speedwalk at the mall? What's missing this year? Could be The Tanya Factor - The Smarter White Meat
A college professor at Penn State is trying to teach pigs to communicate using computers. I think this guy is one pork rind short of a full bag. Who wants to get email from a pig? - The Sky Is Falling
When you turn on the TV and learn that a giant, killer asteroid is headed your way, you have to ask yourself certain questions. Like, should I have that second bowl of Crispy Hexagons or just stop at one? - The Religion Of Football
Here in Alabama, there are three kinds of people: Crimson Tide fans, War Eagle fans, and atheists. - The New Fab Four
They sing, they dance, they drive the kids wild. But how best to describe the Teletubbies to the uninitiated? Imagine this: if Pink Floyd produced a half-hour show for kids, this would be it. And you would enjoy it immensely. - The Intelligent Diaper
I believe it was Frank Zappa who said, "Necessity is the mother of invention," which means that if there is a need for something, sooner or later, someone will invent it. And then Microsoft will rip it off. - The Four Letters Between PG & R
When you're a kid, there are certain words you dare not say. Swear words, my mother called them, cuss words. Today, my kids call them "daddy words." You can probably figure out why. - The Dust Settles On Miss America
The Miss America Pageant is taking its last breath. Will the mourners have to wear swimsuits to the funeral, or will evening gowns be enough? - Staying Alive
If someone offered you a pill that would add 50 years to your life, would you take it? Not me. At least not until I found out who'd be footing the bill for all that extra life. - St. Viagra's Dance
The impotency drug Viagra has every old person I know talking about having sex again. All I have to say is, 'Folks, please, not in front of the children! - Sometimes Life Just Ain't Funny
Alabama weather is about as predictable as watching The Jerry Springer Show. You know something's going to happen, you're just not sure what it will be. - Some People Will Eat Anything
Most people are like Mikey, the old Life cereal kid. We are nondiscriminating carnivores who will eat anything -- especially if it can be made to taste like chicken - Some Guys Have All The Luck
Recent studies claim that the less educated you are, the more sex you have, and the more sex you have, the longer you'll live. Sure gives new meaning to "Live long and prosper!" - Smoke 'em If You Can Afford 'em
What's the difference between a $30 cigar and one that costs fifty cents. The answer begins with cow poop. - Show Me The Money
The stock market could crash like a circus fat lady falling over a lawn chair and it wouldn't affect me in the least. All my money's tied up in bills; electric bill, phone bill, Visa bill etc. - Pick On Somebody Your Own Size
Mattel's redesigning Barbie to make her more realistic. Imagine Christy Brinkley going in, David Brinkley. - No Sale Like A Yardsale
Remember, it's not how much you spend at a yardsale, but how much you talk them down - If You Clone A Schizophrenic
Scientists have successfully cloned a sheep and a cow. What's next? Dogs? Cats? Professional wrestlers? Me? And if you clone a schizophrenic, how many people do you get? - I Was Rooting For
Who was I rooting for in the Iron Bowl? Sorry, if I tell you, I'll have to kill you - I Love You, You Love Me
Barney The Dinosaur is suing The Famous San Diego Chicken for beating up a Barney lookalike during his act. Sounds like a clear case of costume envy to me. - I Hope You Kept The Receipt
Will it be something from Victoria's Secret or another beefstick this year? - Honey, Did You Take Your Pill?
A birth control pill for men? As if remembering to take out the trash isn't enough pressure. - Growing Old In A Red Miata
I just had another birthday and I'm not particularly happy about it. To me, that's like saying, "I'm another year closer to having my prostate removed! Somebody bake me a cake and let's party!" - Gimme A Head With Hair
Times may have changed but the spirit of Halloween continues to live on. Children today have as much as they did in the past - and so do their parents!
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