Dealing With Bad Family

2007-11-29 Word Count: 660 Category: Religion

A reader asked about this situation: In my extended family, there is an immature and angry person. Actually, this person is not only hateful and argumentative, he has told blatant and dangerous lies about my family. Specifically, he claims that my husband did something inappropriate. No one in the family believes him, but I'm wondering how I should handle this, especially with the holidays coming. We have family events planned, but I don't want to be around him, nor do I want my family around him. Is that unchristian? Do you have any advice?

You have every right to choose the people who can be around your family in a private situation in your own �territory� (i.e. your home, your events, etc.).

However, you do not have the right to force your convictions about another family member on other family members outside of your home. You certainly have the ability to choose not to attend an event at their house or any other location where the offending person might be present. It would not be right for you to tell other people who they can or can't invite to a gathering.

In addition, you should not feel the need to inform the rest of the family why you have declined an invitation unless they specifically ask. Then, you should explain in a non-gossipy, uncritical manner what the situation is. �We are not going to attend due to the situation between us and (the other family member).�

Given the seriousness of the accusation against your husband, if you attend the family functions, make sure that no one in your family is ALONE with that person. Don't assign TOO MUCH credibility to the accusations... without any evidence or the collaboration of witnesses, it's just talk. Hurtful, but just talk.

Your attitude would only be "unChristian" if you were to withhold forgiveness. Otherwise, you do what you can to keep peace, keep things from escalating BUT protecting your family.

Remember, as a Christian, your marriage and your kids come first.

Go to Thanksgiving. Go to the holiday events. Act like everything is fine in the mindset of the public setting. If this family member makes an effort, then reciprocate, BUT BE CAREFUL and discerning. Often people use any sign of reconciliation as a ploy to start things up again.

DO NOT talk to others in your family about the family member in question. This is big temptation you need to stop, or avoid, whichever is the case. There is nothing good about getting everyone on "your side" or spreading around the "news" of this bad behavior under the guise of being "concerned". That would be gossip, plain and simple.

Immature and childish family members can be frustrating, but don't let them have any power over you. YOU decide about the interaction with your family on your turf. At gatherings away from your home, you will have to carefully manage the situation.

I want to say this again � do not force your family members to side with you. People are smart and will be able to see the truth. Troublemakers and liars rarely have their family members fooled. It's not fair for you to demand the other family members abide by your convictions. Therefore, your options are not to attend or to hold a gathering at your home without inviting the offending family member.

In a nutshell, my advice to you is this � during any occasion, if you allow the offending family member to visit your home, make sure they understand that there will be no fighting or angry outbursts, or they will be asked to leave. Do not let anyone in your own immediate family be alone with him. Attend the other family gatherings but inform the host (if you feel it is necessary) that you will be forced to leave if he starts an ugly scene.

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G. Brent Riggs, author of "Life Without Debt", "Desperation Station" and SeriousFaith.com has over 20 years experience as an business owner, teacher, personal growth coach and mentor. You can contact him from his main website: www.gbrentriggs.com